I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
