we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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