My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
