i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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