No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I smell stomach acid.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
