I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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