god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
