i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
