then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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