i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
