I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
