I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
