Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There's always time for handjobs
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
