i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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