I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
