Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
