just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
