i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
