News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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