another moral hangover. fuck.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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