I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Dicks are not precious.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
