woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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