Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
