Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
