____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
