At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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