I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
