3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
