her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
