My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
