Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
