I faked an abortion last night.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
are you so shy because you have an std?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
