other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We talked him into tasing himself.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
