Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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