im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
