grandma shit on top of the toilet
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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