and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
