Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
