You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize