just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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