youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
