Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
