I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
