Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
That was an excessively violent trivia night
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
