well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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