Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
