You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
