Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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