WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
