No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
