I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
