when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
