How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
