I got chris browned last night
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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