I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
