I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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