I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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