as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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