just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
