watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
