Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Randomize
