Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
